Once a year somebody plugs a microphone into the church hall speaker, sets out a folding chair and faces a room full of quilters who have heard every joke about fabric hoarding and still laugh at the good ones. Funny Quilter Humor Tees is that open mic night, printed across the front of a tee. Every design is a punchline we quilters already live, from the stash we swear we needed to the sewing machine that is quietly smoking in the corner. Sound familiar?
The opening act: true confessions
Every set starts with a confession. One design pleads its case in bold lettering: left unsupervised, and the fabric store was open. Needed It sits under a wrapped bundle of fabric tied up with a bow, no further explanation offered. Quilt-Aholic pours itself into a martini glass with a rotary cutter for a garnish, and a sleepy owl draped in quilt blocks admits, I may have too many works in progress. The crowd nods. The crowd has a closet full of them too.
The headliner works the room
Then comes the material everybody quotes on the way to the parking lot. Quilting Because Murder Is Wrong glows in rainbow lettering, a frustration joke so mild it practically brings cookies. Remember My Quilting Time Is for Everyone's Safety curls across a bright red background, Thou Shalt Not Skip the Press lays down the law in cool blues, and Trained Professional crosses a seam ripper and a needle inside a laurel wreath, which is exactly how a woman who has unpicked the same seam four times deserves to be honored.
The running bit about how it all escalated
Every good comic has a callback, and this collection has a whole storyline. Well. That Escalated shows a sewing machine with a little curl of steam rising off the top. Things Escalated brings in a very cross turtle wearing a patchwork shell, straight off the design wall. Under Control shows a machine that is, it insists, under control. A plump hen settles on a teetering stack of quilts to announce she is working on it, and a bear rests his head in his paw over a pile of blocks, the face of every quilter who promised a baby quilt before the baby arrived.
Save her a seat in the front row
Somewhere in your guild is the quilter who gets the loudest laugh at show and tell without even trying. She calls herself a Fabricologist, asks what your superpower is, and turns every scrap into a quilt because that is simply what life handed her. Pick the joke she would tell herself, the one you can already hear in her voice, and let her wear it to the next meeting. The only rule of open mic night still applies: no heckling the quilter holding the seam ripper.
Written by Jacqueline. Thanks for reading.
